Archive for the ‘life’ Category

The Jamaican Roulette

March 26, 2008

A British Major General was once visiting his troops stationed in Jamaica. He inquired about the physical and mental fitness of the troops. The local commanding officer (a captain) told him that everything is super. The troops run everyday for 5 miles, eat 3 meals a day, swim a few miles and for entertainment play Jamaican Roulette. The major had no clue about the Jamaican Roulette and thus asked the captain to enlighten him on this game. The captain then went on to explain him the game,”Unlike the roulette, we do not have a ball in this game. The soldiers stand on the stationary outer circumference. A beautiful Jamaican lady stands on each of the numbers. When the wheel stops, the lady offers some oral services to the soldier standing in front of her”. The major, confused and excited, asked the captain, as to where’s the gambling in this roulette. The captain, smilingly, told the major that few of the ladies on the wheel are cannibals 🙂

p.s. The post is a figment of imagination of a friend of mine. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Coexistence and Integration

March 15, 2008

Coexistence and Integration are often used interchangeably. But, are they really synonymous? Coexistence is a state in which two or more groups are living together. Integration is the blending of two cultures beyond the cuisines and celebration of international weeks. I often look at the number of mixed couples in a city as an index of integration. Even in the liberal west, except a few big cities, miscegenation is a rarity. Brown prefer browns, blacks prefer blacks etc. etc.
Are we so keen on preservation of our respective cultures? Like the blending of free sources codes (i do not hate windows 🙂 ) have helped computers, the blending of different cultures, I feel,  would be beneficial to societies. Just as the Indo-Chinese cuisine (Indian bastardization of Chinese cuisine 🙂 ) is amongst the most popular cuisines in India and few cities in the US, an Indo-Chinese kid would perhaps be the best bargain-hunter Best Buy has ever seen.
On the bargain-hunting skills of Indians

a day in the life of a us-based indian (desi) engineer

March 12, 2008

9:00 am — arrive at work in a toyota, honda sedan/suv or a lexus for those with extra cash. parallel parking still a nightmare.

9:00 – 9:30 — small quantity of coffee with large amounts of creamer and sugar. time to meet fellow desis at work and brainstorm on the latest bollywood gossips. any conversation is incomplete without a debate on cricket. the more educated, sophisticated, intelligent ones might deliberate on the day’s sudoku or crossword.

9:30 – 10:00 — read world news on rediff.com, check emails and a few femails on matrimonial sites.

10:00 – 12:00 — put on the earphones. listen to old bollywood songs, bryan adams – the god of rock music :-). knock a few times on the boss’ office to convince him that you’re still doing the job you were hired for.

12:00 – 1:00 — go to a desi buffet and complain how the food is not authentic or indian enough.

1:00 – 2:00 — discussion on eb1, eb2, i-140, i-485 or any other immigration related form/lawyer. a debate on what the U.S. would do without the immigrants. another shot of sugar loaded coffee.

2:00 – 4:00 — put more bugs in the code. write comments in a language of your choice except english. this is not for keeping secrets but an attempt to promote diversity in the code.

4:00 – 4:30 — time for an evening coffee. time for bitching about your current work place and how they’re taking advantage of you….discussion could also be on arranged marriages if some white folks interrupt the conversation.

4:30 – 6:00 — check emails and gTalk with friends.

6:00 – 7:00 — time to shape up that rice belly. rush to the gym and run for a few minutes on treadmill. do a few sets of bicep curls with 10 pound dumbbells. repeat the process, if an indian girl is in sight. buy a skin-hugging t-shirt if the size of biceps increases from 12 to 12.01 inches.

7:00 – 9:00 – dinner time. reach 15-30 minutes late and tell fellow desis how busy you are at work and how the company is trying to screw you because you do not have your green card.

9:00 – 11:00 – chat/call up the girl selected by parents/matrimonial sites. bombard her with your neo-liberal views and how you hate racism/stereotyping, and of course, a tirade on bollywood song and dance sequences.

11:00 – 11:11 – a very private quality time with images/glimpses of scarlett johansson, salma hayek, halle berry or karisma kapoor…..now that’s what i call an equal opportunity employer. btw, why 11 minutes – recommended time by paulo coelho is his book ‘eleven minutes’.

11:30 – till next morning – no more stereotyping

beatles|a day in life — indian version
I read the visa forums today oh, boy
About a lucky man who got the green card
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh


									

Stuff Brown People Like

March 7, 2008

A profound and thought-provoking blog, stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com, which I strongly feel should be awarded the Nobel Prize in blogging, made me think about the stuff that my people (brown-people aka South Asians) like. Now given my personal preference for food, the first two things that came to my mind were chai and chaat.

Chai – Chai is sweet spicy milk made from boiling 100% high-fat milk, water, tea leaves and about a pound of sugar. This is nothing like the crap you buy from Starbucks, which is meant for those who are either diabetic or anorexic. For a South Asian, no excretory processes can begin without a cup of chai in the morning. Gossips are senseless and spiceless unless enjoyed with a warm cup of sweet chai. Viagara, Cialis, Anacin, Avil work for South Asians only when taken with 2 cups of chai. Marriages can not be consummated (see a Bollywood movie, if you donot trust me) without the consumption of this holy drink. In short, without this cup of brown liquid, life would be incomplete for most brown people.

Chaat – Chaat is an appetizer made from rice flakes, onions, coriander, salt, black pepper etc. etc. The uncountable spices and chutneys in the chaat on consumption undergo disintegration/combustion into various gases. These gases then escape the body and produce the most odorful farts. These farts are of much better quality compared to the bollywood song and dance farts. On the downside, from an environmental perspective, these gases contribute to global warming to a scale beyond imagination. Perhaps, it is time (given our population numbers) to start thinking about including farts from chaats in emissions trading.

The unbearable depression of being (a mediocre)

February 22, 2008

All my years from adolescence to adulthood, I thought I was more than a mediocre. I convinced myself every day every hour that someday sometime I will find something I will excel at. Now at the cusp of 30, I’ve realized that there is nothing really that I do well. As Kurt Cobain said, ‘I am worse at what I do best’. Unlike Kurt, I do-not really feel blessed for this gift. So what all did I try…

books – kafka, marquez, murakami, joyce all put me to 8 hours of blissful sleep. I’ve failed to grasp what/why they were trying to convey. Personally, the different literary techniques (stream of consciousness, symbolism, magic realism) are all symptoms of thought disorder.

computers – Pablo Picasso said, “Computers are useless. They can only give answers”. I don’t even know what questions to ask. The only times when query results have made me happy were the results from ‘youporn’ :-). All computer programs I’ve written so far either crashed or gave the three letter word ‘NAN’ (not a number) as output. The only saving grace — my company still has not fired me, but that might change soon.

geography – Someone asked me the location of Burkina Faso and I told him it was a country in south africa (well i got the continent right!)

gmat – After reading 10000 blogs of past/current MBA students, I thought an MBA might help me to improve my personal and professional skills and to shape my career to the best of my potential (not that I have much potential). I decided to give the GMAT. The score I got — LBS, HBS, GSB, INSEAD would not even piss at me.

history/current affairs – I thought I was good at military history, until I started watching history channel. Everytime I pick up ‘The Economist’, I feel depressed. I cannot comprehend that I am living on the same planet as people in Darfur, Chechnya or Bhutan. But what do I do? Eat like a pig and sleep like a baby.

philosophy – Objectivism, subjectivism, existentialism, nihilism, rationalism, empiricism all sound the same to me. I wonder if Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Sartre, Poincare were inhabitants of another planet.

music – I can not tell the difference b/w beethoven’s fourth and mozart’s fourth or the difference b/w a clarinet and flute acoustics. The only time now I listen to music is when I do not want to talk to my boss.

science – Even after reading the idiot’s guide to Einstein, the Theory of Relativity sounds greek to me. Every time, I look at Boltzmann transport equation, I wonder if I even have minuscule amounts of the matter people call brain.

sex – The organs are about to decay due to lack of any stimulation. Did I mention I come from the land of kamasutra? I’ve more sex in my brain than in my groins.

six pack – Even my mirror is ashamed to reflect my one pack. I should have listened to Payton Manning….mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fattest dog of them all?

sports – The teams I play volleyball for are at the bottom of their leagues and of course, I’m part of the reason (rather I’m the reason). I still cannot swim in waters with depth more than 5 feet (I’m six feet tall). Adventure sports – I piss in my pants every-time I think about whitewater rafting, skydiving or bungee jumping.

socialising – I do not drink, dance or date. Girls prefer at least six hundred feets between me and them. Unless the world is shrinking or starts shrinking, the probability of reducing the proximity remains close to zero. Socialising as of now is restricted to watching office space every friday night.

stocks – Investors in the sub-prime market should look at my portfolio to stroke their ego.

So, what am I doing in life? But what is life? According to a friend of mine, life is an incurable sexually transmitted disease. So I guess all I am doing is living the disease.